How To Have An Opinion About Grand Theft Auto IV

How To Have An Opinion About Grand Theft Auto IV

GTAIV is the biggest release of the year -- whether you've cruised round Liberty City and Nico Bellic or not, you need an opinion on the interactive event of decade. Find out what to say and when in our unique Grand Theft Auto IV review!

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Step 1:

Learn The Basic Story

If you're going to dismiss the game as the root cause of all violent crime, then you'll seem like less of a reactionary idiot if you know some rudimentary facts about the game - so here they are. You play NiKo Bellic, a pessimistic, morose Eastern European immigrant whose wartime experiences have left him with no regard for human life. Drawn to Liberty City by promises of a better life, it turns out America is just the same, but with more burgers.

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Step 2:

Be Aware Of What Other People Are Saying

Here are some of the most common rubbish that's spouted about GTA4, and a couple of things you might like to say back.

"IT'S THE CAUSE OF ALL MODERN VIOLENCE"

Even the tabloid newspapers have realised that the game's incredibly popular with their readership, so they're not trawling out this stupid chestnut. But that doesn't mean that there aren't a bunch of lazy, biased hacks drawing the same old parallels between video and real world violence.
Of course, there's some overlap between the worlds of real life and video game violence. That's because the people who run around stabbing people have started playing video games, now that they reflect their own real-life interests. Bearing in mind that these are the kind of people who stab people - the longer they spend playing video games the better.

That said, if you're going to defend GTAIV, try to use phrases like “there's not enough evidence to draw sensible correlations between violent video games and real-life crime, and we should resist drawing convenient conclusions that seem intuitive, but are, in fact, a red herring that's distracting us from the real issues.” That's the kind of stuff that makes you sound clever. Don't say “I watched a film about cannonballs and it didn't make me eat everyone" This is the same anecdotal common sense rubbish that the other people are using. Stop it.

"IT'S A LIVING, BREATHING CITY"

This is only said by two kinds of people. Pretentious journalists who've run out of original thoughts, and Rockstar's marketing department. What they mean is that there's nothing about the town that makes you think "hang on, this is a stupid town, they've put the sky inside the shops". Rockstar have gone to a lot of effort to make the game feel as realistic as possible, and to a large extent they've succeeded - for example, I was impressed when I was testing out NiKo's running animations -- I like the way he leans -- and a man walked up to me and called me a crazy [CENSORED], which under the circumstances was fair enough.

The problem is, when you've got a town that's so brilliantly realised - for a computer game - that you start judging it by a real city's standards. Suddenly, you're annoyed that everyone always drops whatever item it is they're carrying at the slightest hint of a nudge. If you end up shouting PICK IT UP, MISS LITTERBUG, PICK UP YOUR SHOPPING OR I WILL PUNCH YOU at your TV, then someone's doing something right. I'm just not quite sure what it is, yet.

"IT'S LIKE NOTHING YOU'VE EVER PLAYED BEFORE"

If someone says this, you can immediately assume they've never played GTA3. After all the overstatement and hype, the essential similarity between this game and its 3D predecessors comes as a combination of shock and disappointment that you'd only normally get when your finger goes through the toilet roll.

Even the missions have the same old text instructions that lead you through like a heavily armed but essentially docile sheep. Weren't you supposed to be a free-form game, GTA? Can you let me do something my way, please?


"ROCKSTAR NEED TO LEARN WHICH BITS OF LIFE ARE FUN TO PUT IN COMPUTER GAMES"

Driving cars into walls is fun. Accidentally falling off the top of the Empire State Building is fun. Going on the internet and reading your imaginary email might not be fun, but at least it's optional.

With San Andreas, Rockstar introduced the idea of real-life tedium, by making you go to the gym, and level up your swimming. There's none of that in GTA4 - the world of everyday drudgery and funless duty is all in your mobile phone. You barely have time to fart in your new sofa-bed before Michelle's asking you out on an endless series of dates, and your cousin's asking you to shoot pool.

I've got a enough hang-ups in my life. I don't like crowds, I drink far too much, and now it turns out I'm terrified of disappointing imaginary women. Thanks, Rockstar. Thanks for adding social dread to your game.

"10/10"

All criticism aside, it's a staggeringly well-made game, with some of the most skilled scriptwriting and acting you'll ever feel like you're controlling. The cut scenes and dialogues are as entertaining as the driving itself, and if you've had to play the same mission twice, you might have noticed characters having different conversations. The idea that Rockstar wrote a full set of alternate dialogues, just to keep the experience fresh for the player, should make you want to rip your jaw off and place it respectfully on the floor. It might not be a perfect city, but it's closer than we have any right to expect.

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Step 3:

Remember: Trying To Start A Backlash Isn't Cool

Standing around pointing out the bad points in a brilliant game is neither endearing, edgy, or useful. Always end criticisms with "still, great game though" or "not my cup of tea, but it's just a matter of taste I suppose".

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Step 4:

With A Pompous And Unsupportable Soundbite

Here at Videojug, we suggest one of the following.

"GRAND THEFT AUTO FOUR HAS REDEFINED GAMING TO THE EXTENT WHERE NONE OF MY OTHER GAMES SEEM LIKE GAMES ANY MORE"

Or why not try

"NOW THIS, THE FOURTH HORSEMAN OF GAMING, HAS ARRIVED, I CAN ONLY PRAY TO JESUS THAT I AM SPARED IN THE COMING APOCALYPSE"